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What I was Hiding and How I Found my Therapy.

Updated: Sep 7, 2021

For about 6-7 years now, I have been terrified. Scared of what the next move is. I have had only one dream my entire life, working in sports, and now there is a massive step of going into the scary real world that I have to take. I have no idea how to handle these anxieties and fears of the real world. My head pounds, my left eye begins to ache, and my stomach knows immediately (and not in a good way) that things are getting shaky in my life.

I have tried numerous things on my own: breathing exercises, calming music, walks by myself, just sitting trying to clear my mind. I am terrified of therapy. It just makes my body feel worse, thinking I may need it. I have been one to mess up and brush it off, "figure it out and go with the flow," as I usually say to myself or to people I am close with, but now it is just different. I was never one to discuss all my problems and fears with folks because they did not know me like that. The way I usually mask these fears is by putting on a "fake" smile most of the time because that is how people used to know me.......happy.

My family, close friends, and girlfriend are those that make the happiest. However, I am so worried about what the future holds that I can not help to think about what happens if I do not achieve that dream that I am searching for. Then I feel a sense of disappointment when I see those with who I am close. What happens if I do not have the people who love me most surrounding me during the bright AND dark times? How will people look at me when I had the resources I needed around me and did not use them properly because I was too scared of what that next step could bring me? How would the feeling be if I maybe did succeed or do good at one particular task and got a compliment, then later how would it then feel to then let somebody down? All of these pressures slowly piercing my chest.

Like most folks, my life has had many positives. I really have been blessed with great people to be around. However, like most folks, the negatives outweigh the positives. I lost my grandmother and the person I could talk to the most shortly before the age of 12. None of my grandparents were able to see me graduate high school. At the beginning of my freshman year of college, I lost a dear friend, the grandmother of one of my best friends. The emotion I showed after her service, I do not think I have shown that before in my life. Lastly, I lost my father on April 15, 2020. It was something I obviously was not expecting this early in my life. He had stints in hospitals before, but, me being a naive 20-year-old, I thought he would be back home. The last call I made to him, I told him, "I would talk to him later," as he had to go in for dialysis treatment. I did not get the chance to say, "I love you." I can remember hearing my mother scream my name and immediately wrapping her arms around me. I can hear my cousin's crumbling voice as she told me she was sorry. When I heard my uncle, who is not one to be emotional, telling me, "whatever I need, you just call." My brother (who also is not one to get on emotional) flipping on my bedroom light, trying to console me telling me, "it is just me and you now; we need to be there for mom," and before he could say anything else, I gave the biggest hug I could and ducked my head into his chest so he would not see my tears.

My father and I were not as close as most fathers and sons, but not as bad as most fathers and sons. I blame myself a bit for that simply because I grew up a momma's boy. However, we had a couple of things to relate to, which I cherish every moment of, like golf and Notre Dame Football. One thing we would always talk about was my dream. We would discuss how I would get him tickets for whatever game I was working at as a sports broadcaster because, like most kids, I wanted to be an athlete, but unlike most kids at a young age, I realized that I probably was not the most athletic for the big leagues. So as any normal first grader, I would broadcast whatever was going on at recess. Kickball, Basketball, if it were raining and we stayed inside, I would put on my headphones and broadcast whatever backyard sports game I was playing on the computer. Usually, this lasted around ten minutes due to the fact I was actually screaming at a computer. Those small moments of fond childhood sports memories have brought me where I am today, a Senior at Ball State University just a few semesters away from the real world. I want to thank so many people who supported me, like my father. Whenever a person is chasing their dream, a tremendous supporting cast should be ready to flock for encouragement and positivity.

I now feel great about what is going on in my life. I feel comfortable in who I am again. I have found things that have made me happy. I have found things that push all of that negative energy and launch it out the door. That is why I am starting this sportswriting project to branch out. This is my therapy. This is what I trust. This is why I am happy now. This is where I find true happiness, and quite frankly, I have come to the point where I do not care what others will think. I want to express myself through writing as it had always done wonders for me in years past and kept me going. This is not for a class, just a guy sharing his thoughts on the world of sports. I hope you all enjoy what I type up and react to my favorite pastime, the classic mix of pop culture (movies, shows, music) and sports, and bring it into this crazy world. Welcome to the Sellers Sitdown.

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